Dawn Crackles & Dark Chocolate

2011-03-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

2011-03-10T07:26:00.001-08:00

i'm trying to gain 20 pounds.

2011-03-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

smoke me.

PLAYTIME

2011-02-27T02:15:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah... you know what this means...

START OF HOLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

2011-01-23T10:01:00.000-08:00

getting over you means taking on the world

2011-01-21T20:57:00.001-08:00

i think my dad wants money from me

Scourge.

2011-01-18T17:18:00.000-08:00

I am in class now! There's a presentation going on. Not that I've got anything to do with it since I did mine on monday.

I spent my morning preparing for poetry slam revolt's flashmob in school. Our initial plan was exciting... we had the whole black masked, slow mime and boom box thing going on. I don't know if it's gonna' fall through. I mean... the posters aren't even done. The black cardboards are still with me in class.

Blank man.

Fucking blank.

It'd be nice to feel blank.

The affliction never ends.

Screw it. I'm gonna online shop now.

getting over you getting over me

2011-01-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

Getting over you was never about closure or getting even. It's about loving you and loving someone else too.

Goodbye my baby.

Yours now and always,

Juanita

2010-12-31T23:08:00.001-08:00

oh god.

i'm crying and crying and i can't stop crying.

why me?

2011

2010-12-31T20:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up at about 5am plus to text Yi Kai about a nightmare and took a cab to east coast to meet him there. Had a hard time climbing over the giant rock along the coast. Saw a giant silver fish on top of pit. A damned hotel. Nothing like a sky scraper. Not that we have any here. Felt sleepy cuz' it was so comfortably windy. We sat there for some time. Not sure how long. We talked. I talked mostly. We talked about the things we wanted to do... the things we haven't done. About what we could do next year (...now). What we can do to change our lives. Our (my) fears.

Killed the rain. There was no rain. Went to mac's for breakfast. I had a bit of the hashbrown and he ate pancakes. Parted ways. Got home. Checked my phone every minute or so. Overreacting when I don't get new texts. Calling someone. Talked to Jas. Listed down my new year resolutions. Scoffed at my psch textbook. Changed my clothes. Kept changing clothes. Called Jas again. Got honest. Did my eyes. Went out to meet my cousin Mel at Serangoon. Took a cab to clarke quey. Had dinner at the satay club with her friends. Drank one glass of tiger. Squeezed our way to le noir. Stood there with my purple drink. Shrinne got here. Wondered why they were playing old school music. Semi-danced till new years. Still sober. Always sober. Went to tcc. Sat there and drank coffee. Stared at the studpid fireworks.

Walked to waterloo street and took a cab home. Showered and jumped into my bed. Before running to my mum's room to sleep next to her.

There was no nightmare this time.

I need a good year.

2010-12-29T01:10:00.000-08:00

Alicia Keys saved my life

why is everybody at zouk out when the party's right here?

2010-12-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

it's funny to be in a party with a group of adults older than you.

about 10 years older than you.

and you're 18.

i'm loosing that liquid-dy, smooth, poetry-rhyming, sarcastic drift to my words.

and you know what i was thinking about the whole time?

... FOOOOOOOD!

(that's what happens when you start partying way before you turn legal. you get bored with it. the fun part... is in the dressing up. food usually sucks. and the drinks... don't let anybody buy you one.)

night out

2010-12-10T22:38:00.000-08:00

Finally found a google chrome theme that's decent!

Gonna' be attending a wedding dinner at the fullterton tonight with my cuzzin Mel. Meeting her at her place at 6pm.

Think I need to get dressed by 5... it's a tedious process. Getting ready for a formal dinner.

Then why do I feel excited?

2010-12-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

i spend a great deal of my time throwing away things.

when you grow older... you don't feel the need to write long posts. i think that comes with age. and plain laziness.

love always,

juanita

2010-11-12T08:51:00.000-08:00

you shouldn't want something too much.

you won't get it if you do.

cuz' you become needy.

chasing skirts

2010-11-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

i don't understand.

i want the world to see you be with me.

a few weeks ago, i was walking down orchard road when i realised that half the men were checking out other women. these men were young, old, beer-bellied... boyfriends and husbands. grandfather's were 'looking' at young pubescent lasses with no regard of their female companions. some of the women were aware... but they let it pass. most of them hadn't noticed. truth to be told, i don't catch someone checking me out until he gets past me. it happens so quick. but the scene replays in your mind like a broken video record. i saw the glint in your eyes as you gave the girl with massive boobs a 'once over' and your lips formed a sickening smirk. voluntary or involuntary. i can't tell. the way our brow arc

hes when we hear of an interesting piece of news. it can't be that innocent... it fucking hurts.

my dear darling girls... how can you let that pass?

and i love you a little less than before.

they forget when you ask. fleeting. a fleeting moment. my dear boys... don't you know she just wants your attention? you are giving her exactly what you want. she want's you to want her. she want's you to look her way. she want's you to stray.

and what will you do when she learns to look over your shoulder?

when she decides to give in to another?

will you hold on to her and tell her how much you need her?

when you are unable to resist the up-skirts when you look up from the escalator.

how can you let this go?

you would have probably seen this before...

2010-11-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

2010-10-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

mjtrav.tumblr.com

VOTE FOR THE POETRY SLAM REVOLT!

2010-09-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

Step 1) Go to: www.spgoinspire.sg

Step 2) Register and Log In

Step 3) VOTE FOR THE POETRY SLAM REVOLT!

VOTE NOW ASAP!

burning bridges

2010-08-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

being stuck at home for more than 7 days made me kinda raunchy.

and even now i haven't watched much tv.

im looking at my cold pancakes and i think it is starting to speak to me.

what's the name of the feeling you get when you've gone past your infatuation with someone and when you look at them you think: 'is this it?' cuz' i look at the person from every angle - and i don't feel for any feature on that face and i don't wish to be around the person with the hands that were never held open for mine. you don't like it. i don't like it. but i'm still gonna' do it. i'm gonna burn bridges and i am going to ask you to let me go. you cannot be the one for me because i choose not to be the one for you. i need this. please understand that i need this. i cannot stop my fingers from typing... it wants to get away from you. it feels good to diss you because that's what i get from you.

home-run.

home-run.

home-bound.

home-free.

i'm on the hunt for something that will keep me satisfied.

i've got my shows.

i've got my game.

i'm gonna' start making my life worthwhile for me again.

baby babble

2010-08-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to think that you're the worst person there is.

and i am not going to waste my time thinking about you anymore.

i don't need your bullshit.

because right now.

right here...

i've got my dad to visit.

i've got gifts to prepare and a basket of fruits and cards to make.

i've got albums to fill and thicken.

i've got the rain to beat down the sadness.

i've got my father waiting for me.

he's waiting for his baby to return.

before he tells me again:

i'm sorry, baby.

i'm gonna' let him know.

That i forgive him.

i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell

2010-08-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

been sick since tuesday night. my fever keeps coming back whenever i think i'm gonna' get better.

i have a photoshoot on sat afternoon and i'm afraid that my photos will turn out bad since i'm soo not in the mood. i'm never in the mood to take pictures.

some part of me thinks that i look way better in person than i do in pictures.

maybe i don't hate myself as much as i think i do.

maybe i'm just tired of proving to peops that i'm not just another face.

it's just my face.

he says that he liked my face.

my grandmother loves me because she thinks i'm beautiful.

but i think... that i am beautiful, because she loves me.

2010-08-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

Take the ZONA test!

http://yourzona.com/zona.asp

Pearl 3 Overview

You are able to rely on your intuition, permitting you to see through many of the illusions in this world. A key to this skill is the understanding that all external changes come from within. The result is you understand the conventional lifestyle but you are by no means limited to it. There is a good chance that you live a non-conventional lifestyle or are on your way to it. This could mean several things. Perhaps you will not find a "lifelong partner". Maybe your career path may take several twists and turns. Find comfort in the fact that if traditional is what you really wanted you could easily obtain it.

Core needs

There are two core needs that dominate your present understanding. The first is the need to understand your purpose and the second is the need to be understood by others. While the former is forward looking and comes from a place of self-awareness, the latter does not. Be confident in the fact that your view of the world cannot be comprehended by everyone.

Activities

Your activities are likely to include self-improvement. However, you may also be a moderate consumer of passive pursuits such as watching television, movies, video games. You will gravitate toward moderate physical activities and restrained mental tasks.

Next Step

Work on accepting the world in its entirety. This includes the understanding that you are not an incidental part of the world; rather the world is here for you. Battle fear first by confronting it then by understanding it.

2010-08-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

Looking for Young Writers/Poets! Please contact me asap!

Thank you!

-WritersLab-Singapore-

2010-08-03T00:33:00.001-07:00

fuck. i'm 18.

2010-08-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

should i get tumblr?

everytime

2010-07-31T23:28:00.001-07:00

i get a splitting headache everytime i hear my mother's voice.

my eyes get heavy everytime i look at my work. that has to be done.

i feel as if i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders everytime my vocal teacher sighs when i forget to practice my scales.

i cannot count to a hundred because my attention span lasts for ten seconds.

i can only sleep when its past 3.

e-v-e-r-y t-i-m-e.

2010-06-15T08:12:00.001-07:00

i knew it then, when i cried for you.

its time.

2010-05-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

once in a year.

evey year.

i get into trouble with something.

or someone.

and i don't know why there is all this drama in my life.

i don't know how it turned out this way.

do you misjudge me just because i look depressed half the time?

i really... don't know why... i'm up to no good.

no good at all.

sunrise sunrise it feels like morning in your eyes

2010-05-16T05:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I always find myself blogging after going to Clarke Quey.

I think it must be the lamp posts.

The light is warm.

There's something in my head and heart that keeps swimming 'round in circles. It's there for nobody to see. It makes me hot below. It sickens me to hang on to it. Kill the fishes that reign these murky waters. The fishes that purge and then flee to escape. Text message. He texts me. A fish. A fish texts me. His friend's a douche that holds him back. He is selfish and meek and reeks of fish.

Drown in the sea water with me.

i suck at people watching after my drama teacher retired

2010-04-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

do you get mad over the little stuff?

petty stuff.

all kinds of stuffs.

stuffs.

stuffings.

stuck in traffic.

s-truffles

truff...

puff.....

wtf.

and here i am... at starbucks. stealing what doesn't belong to mua... starbucks wireless... how can i validate its authencity... hmm... they look kinda' trustworthy. i meant the dude in front of me. the one with the glasses and the white baby-g watch. the one that's pulling his hair out with the same hand the... oh... so its... a transparent baby-g watch... that has turn yellow. ok. so... who's the chick with him? might be his sister. she seems to be doing well... not so stressed out as he is. and.... two office ladies next to me... they ordered... tall. sigh... you should take on a venti. and be like me. haha... that'd be quite an insult to you. wink... i think i've got something on my eye. no... it's just the dust. you think they noticed me staring?

i love this song.

it reminds me of pin-up girls. world war II pin-up girls.

and the Andrew Sisters.

and Marina's lipstick.

i love the shade.

2010-04-19T06:40:00.000-07:00

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.

~Frederick Buechner

how many times do i have to tell you that mother's love their tupperware and toilet paper

2010-04-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

i really really hate school work.

and that's probably the best thing about school; a point of paramount significance...

peel my flesh~

i have absolutely no discipline.

1# 4 cups of chocolate milkshakes per day (can kill my voice)
2# at least 2 -3 hrs of studying (...that has never happened)
3# rehearse before srt lessons on every saturday (if i can get myself to wake up at 6am on a freakin' saturday morning)
4# practise all my vocal exam songs (hey... i've got 'till sep... there's no hurry!)
5# be on time for school (every weekday)
6# be on time for my vocal lessons (an even tougher thing to do...)
7# fall asleep by midnight (a miracle i tell ya... a MIRACLE!!!)
8# get my hands off the keyboard and off this page (oh yeah... i've got work to do...not)
9#... (you really don't want to know)
10# i just added it in here cuz' i thought it'd be really cool to reach a point no. 10

ain't i just da shyt?

xoxo,
peaches

2010-04-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Why can't you prove me wrong?

lookingoutforlooks

2010-04-05T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!

Check this girl out! She's really cool!

Link: http://intangibleee.blogspot.com/

It's something 'bout the way she reconstructs tops or sweaters into skirts... (How does she do that!?!? :O)

hahaha...

Had a pretty good time on saturday night... watched The Tempest with the Young Co. and hung out with them after the show.

I can't believe how much we have in common.

enlighten me.

2010-03-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

people always ask me if i can demo a song for them... i'm not as shy as before - i have serious prob's at picking a song to sing for them. so it took me months to figure out that.. i'd do something soulful... it took me even longer to pick out 2 classics from my set list: bewitched bothered and bewildered & Angel.

my stupidity amazes me. really.

haha...

I'll sing to him, each spring to him. And long, for the day when I'll cling to him

i'm getting better.

i swear.

and its not because i'm in love.

bewitched, bothered and bewildered.

i'm going out with fio tomorrow... i've been poking her rib's endlessly since the beginning of last week. because i'm so bewitched, bothered and bewildered.

ahahaha!

thanks joey for reading my blog :) i never knew you did. i know you care.

and just for you... i'll shout it out:

I'm beautiful, baby. And so are you and your babies (to be)!

~am I.

2010-03-14T06:11:00.001-07:00

God, the most amazing thing happened.

when the last paper ends too early

2010-03-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

look.

let me explain.

i'm sorry if i've been shooting off. this is what i need this space for.

its not your entertainment.

but i'm telling you this now.

i'm sorry if i don't look the way you think i should. i'm sorry i do not meet your expectations of a particular set 'look' - which you have been conformed to believe it is so. i'm sorry if i am wasting your time. i'm sorry you have to even read this.

i. am. a. chindian.

i am.

and i am sorry if i'm not drop-dead gorgeous or a knock-out. my mom is a chinese-indo and my dad is chinese-indian-pak-sl - therefore you can comprehend for yourself that chindian, for me, is just a convenient label i use and you use to describe something thats extraordinarily ordinary.

for a long time i struggled with the fact that i am not something that i wanted to be - i wanted to fit in with the rest of the standard good looking chindians - but i'm not.

i'm not trying to look beautiful in my make-up. the only reason i put it on is cuz' somehow it makes me feel a little more extraordinary, a little more 'worthy'.

i am not beautiful.

and i am not photogenic.

i am not good with numbers and i am stupid with all things spatial-related.

i cannot take pictures without thinking about my huge jaw.

i hate how frail my arms look when i raise them up in defeat.

i count the number of toes and fingers i have to make sure i am my mother's baby girl.

i have dirt-brown eyes that are very faithful to my love for literature and art.

i can't eat a lot because food is not soemthing i enjoy: i eat to live and live not to eat.

screw your mind.

i cannot look upwards without squinting my eyes - so a distinct line shows - that i do not have ordinary chinese eyes.

i'm sorry if i can't be like the rest.

and i'm even more sorry that i can't go to sleep without pulling my eyelashes out and tugging at my lids.

goodnight.

juanita

2010-03-04T07:22:00.000-08:00

hey guys.

fuck you.

fuck you.

fuck you again.

don't make me repeat myself

(fuck you again.)

i'm gonna start introducing myself without my last name.

self: Hi! I'm Juanita.

And that's all I'll ever be.

la vie boheme

2010-02-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

My Cuzzin's

lmao.

--

2009-12-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

i miss having you around.

free fat free fat

2009-12-28T18:19:00.000-08:00

waiting. waiting.

waiting.

So far

2009-12-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

I have it. I freaking did it.

I did all the things I've been planning to.

Update: 24 hr playwriting competition... didn't win it baby. (but i heard i was a finalist!) srt young co. aud's.... (oh yeahhh!!! you're gonna see me on-stage in a year sweets ;0) grades... (i'm still working on that :x) christmas week....

and it begins.

Christmas was... it was... i duno. There was the usual midnight mass... the dressing up... then there was clarke quey (something novel). They let ANYBODY in nowadays...and by anybody, i mean me! (do you remember how old/young i am???) 21 and above.... outrageous. it wasn't that spectacular... i'm surprised at how easily people get wasted over.... haha... quote me: iced-tea the colour of green eggs) After that, I stayed over at marce's place and slept at 7 am... on a sofa. With leftover ham on the coffee table and bottles of carlsburg and tiger at the sides. (*coughstheyarestillfullsillycoughs*) I've never gotten wasted. Dun intend to start now. I drink alright... but it hasn't gotten the best of me yet. I'll prolly' let you see me in my drunken state if you promise to take me home to my warm bed in ungodly hours of the morn. I'd wanna see that too... Then i'd have something to laugh about when I'm having one of my mood swings. (which alotta' ppl have been prone to...during this festive holiday season)

Trust me. I nearly went bonkers too.

And I've got one more present to get.

What do you give to someone who has everything?

Gotta' let me go

2009-12-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

I had it all planned out... this was gonna' be a long post. Filled with pictures and photos... lot's of hearts and love.

Then something showed up: she did.

The stress I feel before a paper, before a big night, before a show... it can't compare the stress I get from just being around her.

She keeps stopping me.

I can't keep working hard and chasing dreams when all I get in return from her are crude paranoia and... conditions. She can't condition me into doing things her way.... Her way is hers. It's not freaking mine.

Why can't she see I'm worth more than this?

Criticise me all you want... it'll be secondary to hers. I can do sooo much more... but she won't let me go.

3 Days to Live

2009-10-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

Day One~

Write an absolutely incredible (beautiful) love story to my mother, grandmother and a group of my friends. Bake a larger-than-life size (white) cake and smear it on the faces of my dears. Carry a bag of pictures/love notes/paper hearts made by them everywhere i go. Leave my house and pass the key to my best friend. Entrust her with my password to my emails, fb (if activated), blog, livejournals etc. Kiss my baby niece goodbye. Sketch a drawing of my small family. Use up a box of tissue for crying (hard).

Day Two~

Track down old friends whom i can't put a name to the face to and call 'em up. Buy a white kitten and send it to someone's house (to take care of it for me when i'm gone). Sell part of my books. Ask my friends out and talk to 'em (cuz' i dun wanna waste another moment saying things we're never meant to say). Scream at my parents. Paint a section of my bedroom wall. Quote something there that's orginally and undeniably mine. Tear a bit. Sing an aria to my music teacher and her best friend. Give out all my university savings to my mother and to the hospital(s). Throw away all of my make up and accesories. Put on jeans and a white t-shirt. Sit on a park bench for 6 hours straight. Stop eating.

Day Three~

Write letters to as many people as i can. Compose a song with 2 verses. Get a tattoo on my back. Prepare a final speech. Go to church for confession. Pray. Visit my primary and secondary school. Read stories to toddlers. Carry a baby like how a mother would. Pinch my cheeks 'till it's red and sore. Smile insufferably. Dream a little dream. Burn my computer. Lie on the beach to catch the sunset. Run to lakeside. Tell my best guy-friend that I loved him. Sit beneath a decayed tree and wish that they'd find me. Pray. Cradle a baby bird.

And watch it fly.

idiots

2009-09-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

Act One

girl/boy 1: Hey! Wazzup?

girl 2: Hey...

girl/boy 1: What's wrong sweetie?

girl 2: Nah... It's nothing.

girl/boy 1: You're making that face!

girl 2: What face?

girl/boy 1: You know... the face?

girl 2: What the heck are you talking about?

girl/boy 1: When you do that-

girl 2: So how did your date go last night?

girl/boy 1: Well... (beams) We kinda...

...

... ...

... ... ...

Moral3 of the Story: People are selfish. Ask 'em something 'bout themselves & they cannot resist talking 'bout it.

thatwayyougetawaywitheverything.

2009-09-07T04:38:00.000-07:00

mental break-me-down

LOUD AND PROUD

2009-09-07T04:16:00.000-07:00

i can do more. i can do so much more. i'm gonna' keep my hair down and my nails cut... i've got purple eyeliner and it looks hella' good with black... i've got the reddest red-ass sheets that's bound to keep you in place... i'm gonna head down to some club with no shoes and piss-off every-fucking-body who crosses me. i can't wait to dip my hand in GOLD paint and do the moon dance. there is a pink dot that's waiting to be erased. i can say fuck all i want. fuck this. fuck that. you say i'm different. i say i'm raw. no party girl can knock me up. i can't think of another better night to spend with you. i've got ppl to meet and backs to shave. i'm not gonna take your fucking sass.

IS THIS HOW YOU WANT ME TO ACT!?!?!?!?!?

and when i'm ready i'll you my story.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FUCKING RECOGNISE ME THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME!

2009-09-07T01:43:00.000-07:00

i believe that love exists but it only lasts for a limited time.

2009-09-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

The Sims Life

2009-09-04T04:22:00.000-07:00

Been playing sims the whole dayy... went back to school for 'bout an hour... doing useless stuff (like taking a 45 minute mrt train ride to school just to hand in a piece of paper... N' IT AIN'T AN ASSIGNMENT!!!)

How productive.

Sigh... I've been thinking (anything else new?).

I kinda lost my sense of direction... it's effin' obvious to some of my friends... (i think). Well, its apparent to me that I forgot what I wanna' do... with my life. I was/am a little greedy piggie... I want everything. (just... everything I wanted as a kiddie). I did think of writing a book someday... but I wanted to do something that's soo personal. Why? To make up for all the times I dis-engaged myself from all the people of the world... (EVERY BOY EVERY GIRL!) crap... shit. I have snippets of my crappy junk.... (hey! it's only ok if i say it! PUNKKK!!!) somewhere in here... in my pc... in my black notebook... in my head. Inside my lovely lovely head. I don't plan to pursue anything that has gotta' do with music... or... mainstream music. I don't want to make music... It's not my place :) (IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHINE... SWEETHEARTS!!! <3) I wanna' enjoy music all my life... that will make me all fuzzy on the inside... I tried looking for a job as a voice actress before... but all I got was... jobs that gotta' do with animation voicing... not that i mind... but it didn't last (the company and me). I wanted out. Or at least I thought I did. I'm gonna' continue school... study... attend my music lessons... dream... and replay Michael Learns to Rock 'till I drop dead. Maybe I'll give acting another go... unlikely my friend. I shouldn't want to go down that road again. It's too... (Li Min says that I'm one of the unlucky ones... I thought I was just... not there yet.)

I will be someday.

My luck is just gonna' have to kiss my ass ;)

mako pako

2009-08-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

taken from blueantstudio

i missed the first two lessons of the day... i'm at home.

running around with pizza in my hand and a script to get in my head.

i thought.

if i can change my room furniture... i can do just 'bout anything!

P.S: CHECK OUT MY GUEST BOOK!!

check out... means: pweaseee signnnn ;)

2009-08-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

BILLY Bookcases

2009-08-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'd be perfectly happy living my life next to second-hand dictionaries and hand me down books.

the girl who once walked around with a pain in the left side of her chest

2009-08-02T00:26:00.000-07:00

now has something to live for.

my '17'th resolution

2009-07-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'll be 17... And I'm sick of being 2nd best.

I'm not gonna' take this lying down.

I'm going to take matters into my own hands from now on.

~femme fatale

To You, from me

2009-07-19T02:45:00.000-07:00

To Shelyce:

It's been too long a time since I last saw you. What's sad is that the only news I got from you was from your parents and your sister at Bugis street so many months ago. I'm sorry to say that I've been the bearer of bad news... Nothing has turned out quite right. But if you're there and if you can hear me... From your cherry condo... (haha...) Some day I'd hope to get lost with you... I'd like to run away for a day, a week.. or even a year with you. I didn't know then what it'd be like to lose a friendship. I haven't come across another friendship quite like ours. Forgive me friend, for I duno what are your interests anymore... (you still like making beaded acessories?... still into chinese mainstream music?) I duno what you like to eat anymore (... heh heh... I still like your mummy's desserts :D) I duno what kind of friends you hang out with now... (I do remain in contact with some CCPS girls okay!?)

I find myself unable to continue... I can always picture our primary school days vividly. There's a part of me - somewhere at the back of my brain... that refuses to let me forget the whacky primary school years... It's silly how we used to put our friends under 'friendship tests'... I remembered I got a 49.9999% from you before... I don't remember what happened exactly and I don't give a hoot anyways because I know that what we shared is not something any living soul can tear apart.

I'll be looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday :) & on any other day.

2009-07-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

To You, from me

2009-07-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

To Fiona:

I just read the latest blog entries of my dear friend Fiona and I want her to know that I hear her. And that I can see her. I miss her very much and I want her to know that I will always think of her when I'm out with my school mates, when I'm home alone, when I forget how to turn on the gas to make maggie noodles, when I meet new people and when I am simply on a long ride to anywhere and everywhere. I want her to know that I can feel her presence... it seems that we were never apart to begin with. Although she cannot see the great impact she has on the people who knows her and/or the people who will eventually meet her in the later part of her most treasured life. She will empathize with you, stay with you, listen to you, care for you and she will even bleed for you. Her hands are her heart and soul; they are her prized instruments. Her heart is filled with sorrow and wisdom enough to create a whole new place where your unrequited love is returned, where your heart will find peace, where your body is rested and where your imagined dreams liberate the field. A place where her words become alive. She is one who will not think much of herself... but that makes her person more deep and passionate than anyone else who thinks otherwise. I love her for what she is worth, for she is worth every dime you have, every grace you willingly give and every noble cause you partake in. Her heart can only see so much... so much that there are no limits to her kindness.

To Jasmin:

Thank you for talking me over the phone when I was in starbucks sipping my caramel freppe with all those who are 'well-off' next to me. Please understand that I want you to be there when I'm at my happiest - when i'm with you, Fio and my family my kazuku... my beautiful bunch of screw-ups and hot shot's... you are the real deal. real people of this world. I am afraid to say goodbye to you when I see you in church, in school and when I'm out with you. Confiding in you has been soo enduring for you are one heck of a listener. It's obvious that you love us. Know that I can never get an equation right if you're not around. Know that I will miss you everytime I see a girl who resembles you - your long dark hair and slim limbs... I know for sure that you will always look like a million dollars and that they can never be you. Out of all of us... you have it best. You will be fortunate for life cuz' I will fight for you, your sanctuary and your joy. Thank goodness that I see you once a week or I will probably lose my sanity. You are meant for great things and you have a great prospect. Great is too mild a word... but if I can describe you with one word I'd use: Blessed. I'm glad that you have the strength to take us all as your close loved babies... because we need a person who is calm and concerned... in contrast to the likes of us - fragile pieces. You are capable, trustworthy, reliable and a wonderful friend. You can do whatever you set your mind to and nobody has a doubt 'bout that.

Entry Me

2009-07-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

Friday, 17 July, 2009
12:49PM

I don’t know why and I don’t know how. There is pile of work for me to start on, a dictionary to study, a scriptwriting competition to prepare for, a meal to be bought, hair to be tied up, nails to be cut, a heart that needs mending, lights to be turned on, walls to be repainted, books to be stacked, books that has to be read, a presentation to do up and a compilation of memories to bury. My heart feels heavy and my eyes are squinting… I scrutinising the dots. My fingers are shaking as I type on. My eyes feel as if it’s turning red. I try to find meaning in what I am doing. All the time. My mother is at work… I can see her chatting at her desk. My grandmother is at home, resting on her lavender coloured couch. Yanti is in the kitchen, her face scowling slightly at the sight of fish and oil. I hear some birds outside the grilled windows. The room looks a little more orange today. I felt so weak that I couldn't get out of bed this morning so I had to skip school. I couldn't hear anything else except the deep irregular pounding beats on my chest. I couldn't think of music, laughter or the morning sun. I want to know what I’m feeling but I cannot describe the tangle of faithless dawn or bitter chocolate. I remember a quote from a book… why dawn is called mourning. Can you hear the sound of the cathedral tune? My back hurts from bending over the low dining table – my working table. I am online because I need to be somewhere but I am not there. I hope they can see me like this. My thoughts will wander and it will come back to a single person. But I don’t have that person anymore so I have to forgo what I had given. I cannot wait for this time to pass over. I have my priorities now. I cannot lay back and watch the world move. I have to move with them.
Because there is something I want to take back from the world.

Love,
Juanita T.K

kissmyarse

2009-07-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

Is it really a necessity to wear heels and grow out your hair? Sometimes a girl learns to give up the hassle of braiding her locks or the embarrassing balancing act when she's got her 3-inch killer 'feets' on. Is that what makes 'em more attractive to you? Her sex appeal might hit sky rocket but don't you think its wearing her down? Her body is (like yours) a temple of God; a symbol of his almighty creation. She puts on her tight red dress and uses derogatory terms on herself and to her fellow women... so she is sexy?

If I take away her helmet hair, her painted face, her plastic nails, her rouge, her liner, her stilettos, her piercings and her powder...

Do you still want her?

the need to memorise the dictionary

2009-07-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

i love imeem.

i had written an earlier post... but it'll take some time before i'll put it up here.

so we are all back to school and kickin' it... i'm in fc 4 now... looking all detached from civilization - social civilization. everybody's eating and i'm telling 'em im anorexic for today. waiting for the next lesson to start... i can hear my friends behind, in front, beside... everywhere near me. the oak table is long and the chairs are white. i miss music so i'll turn on my baby imeem... yeah.

and right now i'm thinking 'bout what could happen in a week or so... is it gonna be life changing... or stupendously morbid. the work load's not too bad... i can handle some crap. watching ice age 3 with my buddo's on sat afternoon... they take jap lessons... and i take french. let's see if we can conquer the world someday. glancing at the many colourful lappy's in the area... the dark purple vaio one looks good... the table is shaking - their playing concentration. i think about the pictures of a white kawai piano i googled the day before. hell, my wit is in deep slumber. i still duno how many moles i've got on my face... think its 2. one black, one red.

it's lucky right?

'Destiny'

2009-07-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

looking at my mouse

2009-06-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

i hate seeing my mum so vexed.

a year ago.

2009-06-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

SAC 4.7 Graduating Class of 2008

lit girls....

Can you spot me?

when everyone's asleep

2009-06-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

dear juanita comes out to play...

nicely.

i look like a new yorker... that has just woken up from a 3 hour sleep with make-up on - smeared lips, smudged eyeliner - whose high on drugs. More like high on dust. There are food crumbs below the beds, hair strands that belong to an unknown entity and the blanket smells like feet! Or vomit... what Joey said. This place is crawling with ants! They didn't make it to the unused stack of cup noodles.

Tough luck.

we spent most of our time in the chalet... no escape... no www... (i'm talkin' bout the wild wild wet dog!) i watched a gay movie... made coke float... woke up early to get breakfast for the dudettes... walked in and out of the washroom relentlessly... spent at least 5 minutes staring at my reflection from the mirror... found out more about my friends and myself - via funny chats and online personality quizzes that popped out in little boxes from my laptop screen... checked the time in every few hours only to suspect that someone has been messing with the clock... that's gotta' be it. Time can't pass so fast.

miss Gayane says that she doesn't meet many girls who read literature or Shakespeare.

I'll do anything for you ma'm.

winging it

2009-06-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

so... i have more responsibilities now...

and i gotta go now...

(not that i can't be here or anything...)

need to re-evaluate.. there's an assignment to do... and edit... and to re-do later... mass research to be done... updatesss... a truckload of 'em...

sigh... you bring me so much joy my pet.

>>>stares at ice-cream soda...no... b n' j's cake batter + old coke (it's less bubbly)

My Wishlist

2009-06-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

20. Take a perfect picture

19. Get a personal online space (not a blog or livejournal)

18. Get the right middle length hair cut

17. Put on 8-10 kg of weight

16. Furnish a small house for two

15. Own a scrapbook filled with pictures of my family and friends with personal recounts, signatures and drawings

14. List down 5 positive qualities of myself without any hesitation or doubt

13. Start a collection of headphones and jazz/blues/classical/oldies music

12. Start a conversation with a stranger and remain life-long friends with him/her

11. Bake an irresistible apple pie

10. Pray Daily

9. Be famous for a day

8. Design a wedding dress

7. Sketch a portrait of my mother and grandmother

6. Compose a few short songs

5. Direct a 3 hour play

4. Fall in love

3. Complete my book of poems

2. Write a novella

1. Form a theatre troupe and travel round the world whilst giving free performances

Then my life will be complete.

Created on Friday, 17th April ‘o9
5: 08 PM

livin' the dream

2009-06-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

heyy guys! ;)

Let the hol's BEGIN!!! It's ruddy ridiculous... starting sch in april and taking a break in june. Don'tcha think? I should be grateful and all but... this ain't my style. Where is the omniscent figure??? Thy most reliable judge.... Tsk tsk... tsk.

I feel... the feelings you 'feel' when you are waiting for someone. When you miss someone. Sometimes you ponder 'bout what they are doing.... what they are thinking.... who they are seeing... how are they getting by... are their eggs done the way they like it to be... sunny side-up or hard-boiled... (okok... you want me to stop. I get it.)

Laughing is so effin' addictive.

Gimme' a hint... a sign that might lead me to that happiness that I so long for. Please take me there. I'm easy to take care of. A warm cloth and some ice-cream is all it takes. I can fit in your backpack if it starts to rain. Let me get on the ride with you. I wanna follow you 'till the day you decide you don't want me no more. Your bruises will be bandaged... your back will be scratched... your white hair will be plucked... your tense shoulders will be rubbed... your hands will always feel warm.

I can do it.

A series of deep sighs.

Its like... I duno why I bother posting when the space is bloody barren.... (baron... ya know that character from... awww hush! you bloody arseee... you didn't get the joke!)

& my ma's screaming at me to get my teeth brushed before sleep...

Don't leave me kays?

:-)

2009-05-31T07:14:00.001-07:00

http://girlsbydesign.com

check out my red hair!!!

2009-05-24T01:46:00.001-07:00

ok... I haven't gotten a decent pic yet...

I heard there is gonna be a playwritting competition at the marina barage! There was a workshop for scriptwriters-to-be a few months ago... but the registration fee was more than 700... No kid is gonna pay for that man. This one is $25 for youths (15 - 18 yo). I guess i'll be going for it...

Sigh... Currently, I'm CCA-less cuz' I havent been checking out the cca blogs every darn day... like I was supposed to... and now I have to suffer the consequences. (haha! i got over that already a week ++ ago... just trying to make my point.) Speaking of CCA, I have postponed my Jazz Band audition 'till next wednesday. That might be a stupid move... my throat is still sore to the core... It hurts to drink water.

Now... I'm gonna update my collection of weheartit pictures in my personal album... And sigh as I look through 'em... Nah! I sigh all the time for better reasons.

Inquisitive nature.

First animal that comes to my head: a squirrel.

You see what I'm working with here? My brain does not function the way the brain of a typical child does... (say it with me... A-TYPICAL)

Think Local.

What's local to me ain't local to you peeps....

I've always imagined myself in one of those tv interviews... you know... Regis & Kelly, Oprah... BBC News... (dream on darling... dream on...) When I do, I'd have the most perfect replies. IMMACULATE-FLAWLESS kind'o rant just keeps coming and coming... It's like a kid who wants to be famous ya know?

Gotta' run ppl! Have to practise my piano for the week and continue my journalling for the 3rd/4th week of school.

(does anybody have the latest copy of TIMES magazine???)

how is this going to help me?

2009-05-20T07:01:00.001-07:00

oh hell, this is insane.

i'm in here cuz' i needed to talk to somebody???

what is this... blog-therapy?

bullshit.

i'm bloody pissed off.

at what?

I DUNO!

arrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

There is a fine line between love & hate.

gonna go watch capoeira

2009-05-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

do not mess with me in the morning...

think ipsen....

the Dolls House.

you cradle me

2009-05-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

two months to go...

17.

I want to tell you... how i Feel.

safe in a crazy world

2009-05-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

juanita: sleep or work?
no more meds PUH-LEASE

this is what my house looks like when its dark...
its true what they say, cancer's adore dark dungeons...
then again i can't tell how much of it is reflected on me since im a july cancer... if i was born any later i'd be a full-blown leo

LEO WOMAN

i've got a whole lotta' things on my mind... typical...

had a pretty good weekend and monday (i'm on mc btw)

went to the beach in the morning with dadp... felt that i could have stayed on... maybe. im so beat i can't even type in full sentences. i forgot to capitalise my words..... i duno if i'm just plain lazy or it i actually enjoy typing without clicking the shift key ever so often.

had a talk with li min at macs that afternoon... it seems that we are not so different. she feels this way... i feel that way... she knows i feel that way & i know why she feels this way... its a never ending cycle of figuring out what goes on in our heads... you'll discover that its quite one-tracked in a way... we are not sanguine people.

you keep me flying

you keep me smiling

you keep me safe in a crazy world

this makes no sense at all

2009-05-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

I wonder if joining muay thai is a valid reason to purchase handwraps... before I... get in.

No no... I haven't bought them.

whoohoooooooooo! I AM REALLY HUNGRY!!!

(runs to kitchen. runs back to my bedroom. juanita: mommy i wanna eat udon!.types in blog.)

List of things to do:

1) Voice and DD Journal entries
2) Lifespan Psych ws
3) Practise Don't Know Why - Norah Jones and Raincoat - Kelly Sweet
4) Record a Vid
5)... i outta get something in my tummy before i expire

permanently.

i have been lying

2009-05-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

It feels ghastly. Damn, I haven't even done my homework yet. I had this weekly plan where I would do one of my shorter journals on thursday and my other journals during the weekends. In between, I would study psych.

How hard can it be to follow something so simple and direct?

... How should I put this.....

I am so sick of being second best.

Do letters mean anything to him?

I AM IN SCHOOL...not

2009-04-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

pics... pics... sorry i ain't got pics ;)

i ain't got no facebook nooo~

(one day later...)

O_O it seems that after i got my lappy i can't blog right on my home pc anymore. That sounds kinda crappy.

I took some random pictures after I got back home from a dinner-movie date with Hema, Fio, Jas, Janice and Joey. haha... What a movie... Oh dear... I can't seem to neaten up my hair.

My ma is worried that I might change when I enter poly. What 'changed' so far is that I can no longer study literature... I can still read the texts of course but it's not the same. My attitude towards strangers and my approach to 'em is ten times more open than before. It's a wonderful thought... knowing that it does not take too much to make new friends. I always thought that love was a one-way affair... The more I gave the less I got oh yeah...

It still applies sometimes hmm?

haha.

friendship is amazing

2009-04-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever said something and regret immediately after? That happened to me all week... I duno if that's a feeble attempt to try to get closer to someone of if its just me seeking attention... I get this crazy notion that if I actually share a bit of my feelings with somebody else, they'd get taste a bit of my life as well. (see what i mean when i say i can be selfish??)

Thing is... now that you know... why don't you laugh?

Why don't you take this opportunity to stand tall and proud with your fingers pointing accusingly at my direction.... jeering.

You don't mind me displaying a portion of my vulnerable spirit?

And you look upon me with that amazing smile of yours to say... It's ok. Everything will turn out fine.

You hold me tight.

Baby, you love me that much?

atthebeginning

2009-03-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

you see... i once heard of a little something called fate.

you see... i don't believe it.

why?

because i believe we can change our own destiny. (taken the corny line out from some corny movie)

you see... i'd like to rephrase the words to make it sound more... refined & less musty.

To be blatantly and brutally honest, i'm in a fix... the in-the-deep-and-dark-pit-that-never-but-hopefully-has-a-bottom kind of dilemma. It's ferally real. Too damn real.

you see... The love of my life (YES, I KNOW I'M NOT DATING ANYONE!) had been admitted into ttsh on friday the 13th. Yes, I repeat... friday the 13th. I never thought any fridays or 13th's were intimidating but now... I have to take back everything I said. If I had been blogging about this a week ago or so, I'd be in an even fouler mood. To be very precise, I was and am still very down and taken aback about the incident... My grandmother did not deserve to have her right arm and leg taken away from her. What I mean by 'taken' is that she had a sudden attack of stroke (first-time) that nearly destroyed the people around her. Especially those who love her the most. I'm proud to say that its not possible that somebody else near home loves her as much as I do. Not to say that everybody else loves her less... It's just... I know that I love her more. She's kinda... my cornerstone ya know? Without her solid foundation and her loving grandmotherly strength... where would I be? Some might say it ain't fair... but darn right it is fair! I don't care if I don't have my daddy's care... as long as I can keep hers for life.

My mum and dad are going to a touch phase... that begun 25 years ago and it is still unresolved as I type... What they lost cannot be recovered back again. I can only pray that time will teach 'em to forgive each other. I won't be seeing much of my dad anymore from now on.

They say that we can cross our enemy but we can never cross our friends. They have the power to hurt you more so then you think. It's a real loss... that I have to take. You might turn out distrustful or become a greater cynic. (both really)

Move on sweet-cheeks. Move on.

Fujitsu-Baby

2009-03-11T05:44:00.000-07:00

I got my first laptop today! Now all I gotta' do... is pick a Garskin. hmmmmm..... will this do?

Link: http://asiapac.garskin.com.sg/01/skin/big/GS-08-FA0548A%20Grand.JPG

My baby's classic black. Which makes it even harder to choose. White/Gold/Creme would be dandy.

Or perhaps this: http://asiapac.garskin.com.sg/01/skin/big/GS-12-FA0016%20Unicorn.JPG

Or maybe i'll get someone to do it for me at suntec or ps? It'd be more professional...

I'll let you know when it's decided ;)

REGULAR UPDATES... COMING YOUR WAYYY!!!

the wrong mix

2009-03-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

introducing... the lovely candy mix!

is there really such a thing as a right or wrong mix?

candy says that swirls and all... M&M's and all... chocolate dips and all... makes you all the more special.

Hey there, little man of mine

One day you'll grow up

And when you do (when you do)

you're gonna safe the world (safe the world)

And when you do (and when you do)

I'm not gonna' be there to stop you

well, maybe i can be there to watch you.

thinking of selling...

2009-03-07T05:25:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna sell... this... this... this... this..... andddd that!

My jeans don't come cheap bud! One of the reasons why i'm getting rid of it is cuz' I cant fit into it... its not too small fo' me. Maybe my taste's changed. Most of my pants/jeans sizes are apparently larger than I remembered. Everything looked so small to me in the dressing room.

Can anybody teach me how to wear heels???

2009-03-06T07:23:00.001-08:00

http://www.41q.com/type.41q?p=24684243

Try playing http://www.20q.net/.

TO ALL THE PEOPLE OF THE UNIVERSE!

2009-03-06T06:24:00.001-08:00

ya know.... some people are just born incredibly lucky! In other words... smart, funny, witty... It never bothered me before... I have no idea why it does now.

It seems as though I have the world in the palm of my
hand...

say's the girl who's afraid of posting up her pictures.

Love the angst.... Freaking loveee the angst-like nature of my soul... I think, that when we die, our souls become spirits. The same spirits who intentionally avoid 'the light'. The same spirits who have their own unfinished businesses which they must personally find a closure to. We have this constant (and irrefutable) need to get something done... accomplish something right.

What is your true calling? If you're not a student... then you're a teacher. Simple as that. Then again... nothing can be simple if we - mortal beings, cannot resist complicating everything we know of or take interest in. You can be both brilliant and useless... at the same time. What you do might mean everything to you, but to someone else... it means absolutely nothing. (Nothing! NADA! Zilch!)

p.s: Feel free to leave me 'comments' - mjtravpb.blogspot.com! I'd love to hear from you guys!

NOW LET'S GO DO THE CHECKERBOARD!

believe it or not... there is a whole new world out there

2009-03-02T00:27:00.000-08:00

Hello world!

Stayed over my gram's place for a night a few days before... I could feel the nostalgia. I pretty much grew up there... Plenty of pleasant (and unpleasant) childhood memories... nostalgia i tell ya'... NOSTALGIA!

darling grandma's place

haha... I come to this junction twice every week. I go to the Ballet and Music Company for private music lessons. Gotta' make good use of my free time now... dun' want to be too useless. Not that I mind, it's worth every penny and journey I took! Trust me, they have the loveliest music teachers there. You can call 'em... unforgettable.

junction next to KM

sigh... i'm seriously re-thinking the idea of putting up vid's on youtube. Who knows who'll be watching you?

I'm gonna ROCK sp!!!

lifestyle of the rich and beautiful

2009-02-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

You know what? I don't even have the guts to write about it!

For my whole life... I've been chasing dreams. For a long time, I thought I was formidable. There was nothing I couldn't do, nothing i couldn't learn. I am (was) very idealistic and hopelessly in love with passion. I would do anything to get what I wanted.

It is not fair, really. To have my childhood robbed from me... I was so
very young. And so very weak...
Why... why do I still believe!?

Fuck it all! I'm only human...

Ash Wednesday

2009-02-25T07:19:00.000-08:00

Hey momma! Do I have to wash off my cross?

Been scouting for jobs around the eastern area... to no avail (once again!). I'll probably ask to join the reading programme in my old primary school... They won't pay much, but it's better than nothing!

I don't mind doing part-time tuition as well! Teaching only English, Literature and S.S/History combined!

I'll be honest, I have no experience in tutoring... but what i do have is plenty of time.

Please help!

New Poem Blog!

2009-02-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

Here is a link to my co-blog:

http://mjtravpb.blogspot.com/

It's fairly new... The layout is still fresh (but plain) and the poems are not posted up yet.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Please do not copy or misuse any of my posted poems. I won't hesitate to delete all poems if my work has been plagiarised.

Late Morning

2009-02-22T22:55:00.000-08:00

I never thought that friendship was just another word.

At times, when I check out the other blogs of strangers... I can't help but feel a little... Have you seen pictures of unbelievably photogenic people? They really know how to play up their strengths. People usually search for their blogs because they are stunningly good looking... Seriously though, who am I to know? There is more to people than what meets the eye... Nobody can disagree to that.

I would die to wake up to something like this every morning.

I'm thinking of setting up a youtube account... and maybe put up a few vids. haha... Then again, I'd have to wait sometime before I start making the vids. But first, I gotta learn to get up earlier than my parents.

Hope I won't change my mind after I've made a decision.

Panic Attack!

2009-02-21T22:44:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna try something new.

Something called journal-ling.

You see, I do not 'journal' in blogs. Usually, I add a few pictures and type in a few sentences - that doesn't make much sense. It's readable... yet incredibly vague. I know I shouldn't (don't need to) be... There is no need to complicate things.

That's why I have come to a conclusion that will benefit... haha... everybody really.

I'd do both: journal (to the best of my ability) and rant

Is that good enough for you?

hmm... Le'mme try to recount... I've been getting anxious over something which isn't considered a worry 'till April: School. My sleep has been dreamless for months. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Mummy is very high-strung about everything that (she predicts) is gonna' happen for the next 3 years. Part-time jobs are sooo hard to find and current affairs are pretty much what everyone's talking about... all the time. It's hard to contact my JC pal's because they have so much work to complete... I'm glad to hear that some are doing well so far. I'm thinking of painting/sketching on my walls - it's currently creme coloured on all four walls excluding the ceiling which I can't reach to paint. Maybe it's time to pluck out the taped glow-in-the-dark 'night sky' on the ceiling... it's been there since I was about 8. haha... My old game cards aren't of any use to me anymore. (I used to love 'em the way a puppy loves its doggie treats!)

Phew. That wasn't so bad!

Get Your Sexy Name

Wow.

2009-02-21T22:34:00.001-08:00

http://mariatravers.livejournal.com/